10 Things I Learned While Dating in College (Boston Edition)

1. Be yourself 

This is extremely cliche, but I found the times that I was being my most authentic self - confident, caring and kind, I always get appreciation based on that attitude.

Get to know yourself and your interests. Find yourself! 

What makes you happy? What are your learning styles? How can you improve yourself? How do you go out of your comfort zone? What goals do you have for yourself? What books can you read to educate yourself? 

The premise of this point is for you to know that you can accomplish your goals, despite doubts or lack of experience.  

2. Have confidence in yourself 

Sometimes you like someone because you like their personality traits and want to adapt them. Sometimes we can see others as an "emotional getaway car" and use that person to distract ourselves from what we should really be doing. Instead of applying for internships, completing our home-works on time or focusing on that midterm, we sometimes try to escape these responsibilities by focusing on the object of our "affection". That is not right. I realized that once you are your most productive self, you complete your responsibilities, it is more fulfilling to have healthy relationships. With the right work-ethic, we can all land that fancy internship or a successful semester, without putting someone else on a pedestal and over idolizing them. 

Focus on you instead and lead with confidence. 

3. It's okay to ask a guy questions about where you two stand 

That one was a big revelation to me. I always wanted to play it cool and remain as a mysterious girl. I thought that by not asking questions, I was being "chill" and 
"laid back", which in retrospect sounded as attractive. I would literally read between the lines and hope for the best. A lot of time could have been saved if I just asked the right questions, if I had trusted my instincts to ask. 

4. Learn from your mistakes 

If you are like me and you over romanticize and overthink, accept that miscommunications can happen. However, a major lesson I learned is that you need to assert for yourself. If someone is not treating you right, be brave enough to walk away. Ask questions and do not ignore the red flags. 

Take responsibility for your emotions and don't sabotage yourself because you are scared. Recognize your attachment style (secure, avoidant or anxious) and make sure you address it. A book that helped me is called Attached by Dr. Amir Levine. 

5. Get over high school 

We all have moments from high school that we wish to never acknowledge and emotionally run away from. That is okay. Be kind to yourself. I found that the easiest way to move on from high school is to forgive. You belong in the present.

Your future self needs you, while yourself past self doesn't. 

6. Trust yourself

I wonder if we just stop comparing who is more busy, whose co-op is more prestigious, or whose GPAs are better, and instead look at our behaviors and the way we treat each other. What if for one second we look beyond whose school is better because we are ultimately all trying to find a career path we like, we are all navigating college and Boston, we are all trying to do our best. I wonder how strong of a community we can be if collectively we all decide to trust in our own abilities and support each other. 

Don't compare yourself with his accomplishments. You two are two different people. Focus on your own growth. 

Trust yourself, and don't get lost in the social media or approval of everyone you know. Social media is not real, so don't compare yourself to others - it is just a waste of time. 

"What is important is to believe in something so strongly that you're never discouraged"  - Salma Haeyk 

7. Don't play games

Sometimes, whether we know it or not we all play games to some extent. Catch yourself in that moment and ask "am I making this more challenging than it should be"? 

If the answer is yes, you probably are playing games! These types of behaviors might include: 

- You never call or text first 

- You attempt to test the guy 

- and other not so healthy and anxious behaviors 

Having feelings is not a "weak trait" and we need to internalize that. Stop sabotaging yourself on purpose because you are unconsciously trying to push someone away. Stop punishing yourself. 

The calculated risk you take in talking about your feelings is worth it. Don't lose the guy you are actually in love with because of the fear you might have. Don't sabotage yourself or push him away. It might be scary, but despite what your risk to reward ratio outcome is, it is worth it. 

8. People who love you, will love you for who you are 

Some people will bring out the HUMAN in you. Hold on to these types of people because they normalize the idea that heathy relationships are possible, that their love is unconditional and they like being with you because of PRECISELY who you are. 

They have seen you during midterms, fixing your hair on a date, misspelling a text (or twenty), and they still love the child-like and clumsy side of your personality. 

9.  Be polite 

Whether you are the one giving feedback or receiving it, always stay polite and compassionate in your judgement. You never know how the other person might perceive your words, which is why communication and compassion are important. 

10. Have faith 

Even after experiencing not so fun moments on the dating scene, I have seen my girlfriends and myself coming back stronger than ever. If it wasn't for those experiences, we would never learn things about relationships. Being introspective, the good outweighs the bad and qualities such as kindness, sense of humor, determination, intelligence can charm you at any time. 

The right person likes you despite your flaws, whether it's those 15 pounds, working on your self-esteem, anxiety, which language you speak or where you are from. The right guy accepts you for who you are. You two set healthy standards and support each other and grow together, as people. He's out there and I promise you that. 

Have faith in yourself. I found that when we have confidence, when we accept ourselves fully, with all our areas of improvement and honesty, the most amazing things happen. BELIEVE in yourself and that the right person is waiting for you. 

With love, 

AY

References: 

https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-sabotage-romantic-relationships-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/

https://thehoneyscoop.com/6-reasons-why-you-can-look-up-to-elle-woods/